I don't have nearly enough visine for the dryness from sticking my head out the window on the freeway for 20 minutes. Child lock me next time.
He told me I had nice tits + they have a great shape. + then proceeded to flatten my boob + show me what the gross tits he's seen look like.
No seriously stop! I feel bad for him. It isn't even big enough to make fun of. It's so small that it's like a disability.
Note to self: semen does not count as food to take medicine with
She fell down no less than 4 times while we were at the club. One of which was while she was in the bathroom stall next to me.
You have a roommate and cry when you see my dick
The smell came through my closed door. His farts are made of rendered tires, and apparently, ghosts.
My dad used the quotation mark gesture with his hands when he asked how my "roommate" was doing.
That may be because I drunkenly sent him a pick of you two curled up together like kittens. Two very buff kittens.
Chang gave me a 1.5 gallon beer tasting cup, i have a new boyfriend with a huge stick, Members of the Irish Rugby team slapped my ass and cheered for firmness, and a couple of strangers are naming the child after me. Best. Weekend.Ever.
Do you remember telling our cab driver you were going to fuck a penguin?
I wouldn't be able to live with myself if I blew a Trump supporter.
Tripping over coffee tables hurts shins but face is okay bc I landed on a sofa.
I wish I was taller so I could give these boobs the publicity they deserve.
She squirted. We were both surprised. I'm that good.
So I have a horrible yeast infection right now and I learned that Scott is cheating on me and now he has a yeast infection in his mouth and in his stomach a pretty aggressive one too. I believe the doctors call it thrush. Text me in the morning tell me what you think.
Randomize
