she was mega hot - except for the poop under her fingernails
My phone has seen less use in the last three days than Tom Brady's condoms.
I probably wouldn't hook up with him if I had to deal with more than his penis. i think cumulatively we are up to a minute of actual conversation this week.
and all i could think about was how mcdonalds would not be open anymore after we were done having sex
Woke up with a migrane, threw up blood, then my headache went away. I'm going to convince myself that it was just a bad batch of blood so I can drink again tonight
I might have been fine if i had magic teleportation powers and could have skipped the car ride between bar and home
And that's the fourth pair of yoga pants with unwashable stains from you.
This is the third year in a row that Mario has fallen through a table on New Years. I'm sensing a tradition developing.
No more house parties. We're almost fucking 30 years old and I slept until 6 pm.
My Sundays are fucking awful. Can't get a blow job.....can't get a win.
Well I found my neighbors on tinder if you're wondering how my night went
Currently on my Sunday walk of shame. Should I go to church?
Bottom line; if I'm coming out of my bat cave to do the dishes and get a chicken wing and I have no pants or makeup on and my messy bun looks more like Santa got leprosy and crashed his sled into the back of my head then let me be. That's all I'm saying.
He went in for a kiss so I shook his hand instead.
It's taking all of my will power not to chug this margarita. This must be the life of an adult...
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