please say your awake. the girl i brought home last night...any idea on a name? she isnt up yet...
Everyone needs a good pregnancy scare in their life.
Yeah, I was googling pictures of sharks, and I accidentally typed "shart." Huge mistake.
Of course, I believed he would find me irrestible...sloppy drunk, chugging from a bottle of chardonnay, and completely naked because those kids stole my clothes as I was swimming on their private beach
I think that's the first time i've seen 'you look like an ugly version of my ex' work as a pickup line
only you would end up drunk at a subway with a one-eyed homeless man
Well yea but it's the principle of the thing.. The fact that he could actually BE your daddy
Did you just reference Ludacris during my possible pregnancy scare of 2012?!
if i actually get asked out by my dealer what could happen?
i don't know, but it probably involves bathtubs full of weed
I'm slightly more gay than I thought. I'd go so far as to say I'm a top.
Do you participate in Sunday morning booty calls?
Dammit! I didn't see this message, of course I do.
I would say I miss her friendship, then I remember that she gave 4 guys the clap. I'm good.
Just got a motivational speech from the tacobell drive thru guy at 2am
You just kept mumbling about the carpet being covered in stains that looked like the face of God. Until you decided that they were closer in relation to Dumbledore.
Your amazing boobs made me fall in love with boobs. I never cared about boobs you should be proud
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