Dude, I just rear-ended a cab
Are you drunk?
A little...yes
Run!
Terrible brother advice.
Dude, just got a bummer.
What??
A blow job from a homeless chick.
it was better than the time i puked and I forgot to open the lid of the toilet
That girl that gave me a blowjob, I think I fired her last year.
Oh and jess is gonna pee in our guest bedroom to mark her territory.
Im about to embark on a date with someone who shit in my car. How did this become my life?
Dude, for your own safety, do not bring that chick home. I'm pretty sure you're going to find a marsupial pouch smuggling a fresh batch of herpes under that hoodie. Bail bail bail bail bail.
Wake your ass up this is a day of horror where we get horroibly drunk and sleep with tandom dudes who wish they were super heros ps i havr stuffed animals over my privates im a petting zoo this year
im just laying in bed, eating, getting fat, enjoying eating and getting fat, thinking about how i will probably have to get a fat boyfriend.
The cat just walked up and made eye contact with me while I had sex. I'm going to have to burn the house down with him in it.
Fuck that guy and his dumb haircut and awesome dick
I took multi-tasking to a new level. I just ate a plate of nachos off my lap while driving to the bar. And I barely got any on me.
I fucked your neighbor. Welcome to the new apartment!
Sorry for throwing up in your humidifier last night, I thought it was some sort of electrical garbage can
You know it was a good night when you wake up w/o a shirt in someone elses living room next to a pancake on a spoon in a bowl of spaghetti.
Randomize
