i just bought ciggarettes using my court citation as id. I've reached an all time low.
Well, shes famous, an alcoholic, hillarious, and has big boobs.... Pretty much my only aspirations in life.
This is so fucking sad. Netherlands isn't even a real country.
Apparently he ran around last night saying he was 'the hulk hogan of muff diving'
I woke up spooning my guard tube. Tell me I'm not the most dedicated lifeguard ever
My mom and dad are smoking a joint while lecturing me on what to bring and how to act in Europe. I'll finish this glass of wine and head over.
Yeah dude, it's amazing. Be careful though, that shit is really really intense. Like it's way more intense than normal shit...
I took two and feel like crushed diamonds spread over glazing marmalade
I just want to let you know that when you try and lie about the "solid 10" you brought home last night, I've got a picture of her and about 10 reasons you should have left her at the bar starting with those martin scorsese eyebrows.
It's a good thing my liver is flexible because a lesser man would be dead
For future reference, don't put tape on your nipples. Ouch.
You pretended to be Borat in that weird slingshot bathing suit and then proceeded to send another dick pic/nude selfie and said you weren't naked because you were wearing a hat.
On a scale from 1-10 how wrong is it to request "I Hit It First" at my ex's wedding reception?
Definite 12.2 but worth it.
Be happy for me... Or horny... Or be a really good friend and feel what I want you to feel. Jealousy
Woman doing my Brazilian right now says to tell you she says hi...what has our life come to?
Just because my bed is easier to get to doesn't mean it's okay to fuck in.
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