look no pants
I'm exhausted and I have velveeta stuck in my teeth
Did you eat out Derrek's girlfriend again?
my debutante medallion kept hitting his balls when i went down on him
Worst part was I had to fart super bad and didn't want to ruin the room so I farted in a pillow and threw it under the bed.
How come I'm the only one who's around when people show up? I had just taken a shit, I wasn't wearing pants, phantom of the opera was playing and the fridge said PENIS.
Robbie told me you spent 10 mins discussing the curl in his hair and that you said "with that curl in your hair, you'll go far"
There are at least 3.6 billion human cocks in this world. Get some. Get as many as humanly possible. Literally. Do it. 1-2-3 go!
Yes I have a handle on life. A handle of Svedka.
Even worse we were making a sex tape so our reaction to the condom breaking was recorded.
My suggestion is that you just get high and set shit on fire
I'm just chillin on the bathroom floor
Haha oh no
The bathroom floor is like my second bedroom on the weekends
I accidentally told my mom "the reason I didn't answer your call is because my phone was in my pants, on the floor"
It's not too terrible. You just got a little naked and broke your arm.
I'm slacking. We've been hooking up for months and I have yet to bang him while he's wearing the clown mask.
I had sex with a boy who lives in a closet, that's like having sex with Harry Potter, right?
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