Gettin pulled over, can you watch my dog and pay the bils for a while?
i either got mauled last night by a velociraptor or an angry lipstick lesbian. could have been both
Dude why does my asshole itch so bad?
I'll teach you how to wipe better
I threw a jar of pickles out the window at a police car, why was that not a good enough reason to put me to bed?
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Thanks again for allowing my sister to lose her virginity on your bed.
I think I need to donate blood to see if I have Hepatitis. Again.
She's dipping the chocolate graham crackers in marshmallow vodka for a 'campfire taste'
I seriously think I got run over last night.. My sides are bruised and I got a ride home in the limo from the office.
Well I don't think you can suck his dick while he's making pizza. I think that goes against some health codes.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I wanted to make fun of someone saying that to an untrained ear, skrillex is blah blah blah. But it was too soon after they said it. And now I can't find it. These are real problems.
By 9 pm this evening I'll have accomplished smashing with two different guys in two different time zones in the same day.
Stay hydrated
JB just got pulled over and I am in the trunk...... this isnt good
The fact that a spice girls song is stuck in my head is a great sign that my decisions aren't the right ones at the moment...
He was laying on a lawn chair, fell off onto his stomach and asked, "where'd the stars go?" That high.
He said it was the classiest hand job he ever had because my nails were painted red. We need to go to nicer bars from now on.
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