Great. Don't do shady things like that ok?
Did you ever notice that cashews look like fetuses?
can you come get me and bring me shorts and a shirt
maybe shoes and water too
oh and maybe a noose to hang myself
She was so drunk that I kept trying to switch out her wine for water. Sort of like Jesus, but in reverse.
I should have known there'd be issues when he included "beautiful soul" in our playlist
I'm glad my gym is open 24 hours..I stopped in on my way home to puke from the bar
I love you and want you to know that you're the best friend ever and me lassoing you with a seatbelt was out of sheer affection.
so i finally decided to ask her out. she started mumbling, then she puked on me. i think i'll try again when she's sober
If there is a god, you will have pink eye tomorrow.
hungover subway ride filled with german tourists and a mariachi band. too early. too fuckin early
Tonight just feels like one of those I'm going to lose a shoe nights.
By the way if you come home and I'm not wearing pants, just go with it. I didn't have the energy to go searching for some.
It's ok. I will share any beautiful men that I drug and leave unconscious on my bed. I'm that kind of friend.
I'm not sure why, but my salad smells like a Big Mac. Or maybe that's just the smell of yesterday's, seeping through my skin.
A fire alarm is going off in some building, people are running around naked and people are passed out in the MIDDLE of the sidewalk. If they ban parties again, I'm going to be pissed.
Randomize
