Thanks for jumping on that grenade for me last night. You're the best wingman ever
She ate 7 of the 8 slices of pizza. I deserve a purple heart and sex w your sister
i just googled 'classy porn'. high, low, i dunno i just got bored of cum shots.
Guess what I'm doing tomorrow?
Becoming a productive member of society?
Sam. Come on.
I'm telling everyone at work the mark on my neck is a hickey but really I was taking a shit while straightening my hair and burned myself
When you start quoting save the last dance you need to stop drinking
dude I'm not 100% but I think your mom is sexting me.
On the back of that comment, I've formed a theory that as a result of my brainwashing your drunk self actually believes that beards are your calling.
after she pushed someone down the stairs to get more vodka we lost her for a while and found her on the pole in the garage pouring water on herself
Please tell me how I go from a guy with a coke problem to a cop. My own life doesn't even make sense to me anymore
Thats like me asking what you think of antisocial polish guys with mysterious rashes
Nothing says Merry Christmas like gifting a bottle of rum and finishing it yourself then leaning over at the dinner table to puke it back up.
Send me another check for the tickets. I scratched out "anal wax" and now the bank won't take it.
Yeah, nothing like barfing into a grocery bag you just put dog shit into.
The way I kissed her was actually pretty charming and then it devolved to car sex
You're the only guy I know who could convince a lady at the pharmacy to trade you her pain pills for your antibiotics.
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