After he proceded to violently molest my tits until 9 am i snuck out of his room only to meet his mother downstairs, who informed me she heard the giant sexfest going on in the room next to them.. this was before she called us both "chickenshits".. worst walk of shame ever.
then i got kicked out of the bar for trying to pay my $30 bar tab in sacajawea dollar coins
Well yesterday i made out with the entire football team and rifht at this very moment our waiter looks like a ken doll. Straight up. And he gave me wine so ill probly make out with him
college has opened so many doors for you
im a genious. moved my bed and mirror so i can watch the game while Fucking
The horrors my penis has endured I wouldn't wish upon any man.
I just called him "young grasshopper" in a conversation. THIS is why I don't get numbers when I'm sober
my boss just accepted "because it's 4/20" as a legitimate reason to take Friday off
Drunk and alone at a magic show is what my life has become without you
I AM OFFERING YOU ALCOHOL AND THE CHANCE TO LET ME SAY FUCK IT TO MY RESPONSIBILITIES. HOW MANY TIMES DOES THIS HAPPEN?!
She is the Michael Jordan of blowjobs. Unfortunately, her baby sister is the Michael Jordan of baseball of blowjobs. It does not run in the family.
Dude, she doesn't even live here... She just can't eat all our food and masturbate on my dog's couch...
Nobody will take a lit match to your nipple without warning you this time. Pinky swear.
He called me kiddo. We can't have sex
Fun fact. I just wrapped myself in wrapping paper for a sext. Is this a new high or a new low stay tuned.
I got arrested FOR running from the cops. In college Dad got arrested and THEN ran from the cops. So it could be worse.
Randomize
