The bar is so dead the tender gave us free shots for staying. They mixed 2pac and phil collins. That's worth at least three shots.
We walked through the hotel lobby in slow-mo taking huge steps because we were astronauts, and astronauts obviously can't be drunk.
I will also inform you that stairs change when you change a house. Those hurt.
it's like i can feel the ghost of his dick still inside me
i dont know everytime i see her teeth i get erectile disfunction
I see you've set aside this special time to humiliate yourself in public.
This has been your unwelcomed wake-up call, brought to you by exes united. Have a good day, to opt out please type "STOP", to continue but act as though they do not exist please enter "DON'T CARE" for random daily wake up texts by exes united please press "PSYCHO!"
He waited until after foreplay to tell me that he didn't have a condom and "we" would just have to settle for a bj tonight...
Kinda sad when you get home on a Sunday morning and the paper guy HAND DELIVERS the newspaper to you...,
My liver was like a college freshman on spring break. It would've danced topless on tables if it could have.
Dave, I love you but you're barking up the wrong lesbian. You sir are the competition. You don't threesome with competition.
Do you remember using the vicegrip to demonstrate how wide your penis is?
it is a dangerous dangerous place where morals and dignity go to die and all your fantasies about men become reality.
He awkwardly handed me plan b on Pickens Street... it was like a sketchy drug deal.
I'm just going to eat my milkshake, watch teen wolf, masturbate, and lament my inability to form meaningful relations with men who aren't gay
Randomize
