Two girls are now jumping in the ocean naked at 10 PM...and I was just starting to hate Ocean City
I just got hit by a car. I'm fine; I'll be to the bars in about 15
You totally drew a penis wizard on my closet that says "I travel for cock rock"
apparently i saved myself a memo last night titled "cake" and all it says is "i love it so much"
He is eating chips off the floor in the emergency room..
There's strippers and bear every where so ether you gave me the wrong address or this is the coolest birthday party thrown for a seven year old ever.
Fucking someone because they own a lava lamp is like fucking someone because they have 20 dollars and no concern for their house burning down.
Apparently I was proudly showing him the cup I barfed pizza rolls into
Yes... I'll kill two birds with one crazy ecstacy filled night.
He realized that I was watching deadliest catch while we were jerkin off on FaceTime.
Imma need a double jack on the rocks and a BJowsky from the hot bartender.
Yes I said BJOWSKY. Pronounced "buh jow skii".
Steve watched craig and I have sex from the top level of his cat tower this morning.
My husband was abducted by a group of disco dancers in the parde and danced off down the street. If you see him, tell him to Hustle on home and clean the cat box. #MardiGras
if you were broke and planning on using koolaid as a tequila chaser which flavor would you pick?
Love that I’m sending my uber driver a thank you message for taking me home via mcdonalds tonight before I’m messaging my date from tonight! Lol
Randomize
