508, what difference does it make? You were alone, anyway.
Pissed on my Blackberry at the Astros game. Wish me luck explaining that one at work.
In Vegas, have spent the last 48 hours wearing a viking helmet and fanny pack. I consider this to be a career high since drinking is my career
she kept yelling 'call me bella'
I just febrezed the jizz on my pants and wore them again, gross or eco-friendly?
Eco-friendly.
He had rug burn on his nose from my landing strip
Thank you for the breast cancer awareness themed circle of death. Had it been any other time I would not have played topless.
we didn't have anything to do and wanted to get our money's worth out of our costumes, so if you see two mermaids day drinking by the creek it's us
his face was nice enough, but his choice of footwear screamed columbian drug lord
Can we pretty pretty please go to Mardi Gras tomorrow? I promise I'll be a good girl and not puke in a pledges car
sex in a hospital.. check
Oh my god, it's like someone broke the off button in my butthole
Btw, remind me to tell you about how I had to cancel my crazy wild sex plans with Will b/c my roommate came back from his trip after a day b/c Canada wouldn't let him in. Fucking cockblock.
Actually that's the whole story. You don't have to remind me.
I'm going to blow a ton of money on sex toys just so I can tell you to do better than them.
I woke up thinking it was Friday. I was disappointed (to say the least). I am pretty sure I have gained the quarantine fifteen (but I won’t know until I try to put something other than elastic-waisted shorts on). And I am probably going to need dentures because I am grinding my teeth so much. But hey--this is temporary, right?
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