I murdered the dance floor call the cops
im contemplating emailing my dad and telling him how worthless i am and how sorry i am that he pays for my life...aka my bar tabs.
My niece just unknowingly cock blocked me. Obviously, someone won't be getting a christmas present this year.
I just got a booty call..Its 6 pm..a brave attempt to climb the rotation ladder..I like his ambition.
If I don't have herpes this will be the single greatest day of my life
Am I texting you while being used as a stripper pole by two half-naked women? hint: I am.
I promise a much better performance tomorrow than last night my penis has a bed time
please bring me a paper towel asap.
I was drinking wine in bed and spilt some on my chest.. And I cautiously guided it into my belly button but now I dont know what to do.
She was throwing my stuff away and then before I knew it she was sucking my dick. It was like some fucked up sour patch kids commercial
OMG THE KID WHO TRIED TO MAKE OUT AT THE BAR WITH ME IS SITTIG NEXT TO ME IN THE AIRPORT. WHY LIFE WHY???
today i was walking through gramercy with a dress bag from David's Bridal and a bag of McDonald's. No guy would make eye contact with me as I scarfed down my fries. I think I was mankind's walking night terror.
This power is too much for most humans to handle safely. It's like having the nuclear launch codes, except it's my penis.
He cried & told me I reminded him off his mother. I don't want to talk about it. I want to drink about it.
You're telling that to the kid drinking Jack in nothing but a graduation cap
A log hopped out of the fireplace and caught the carpet on fire. Good summary of this election if you ask me.
Randomize
