Performed a legit marriage between 2 drunk people at last call yesterday. Becoming ordained has already paid for itself.
she said and I quote "NO SOUP FOR YOU!!!" and closed her legs.
The dry cleaners wouldn't even take our clothes. That's how bad of a night it was.
I passed out on the floor of a truck stop. Drinking binge 2011 is now over.
Someone shattered a urinal.
Brandon just showed up at my place with a florida state cheerleader he met in vegas durin spring break. His life is a fucking movie
The brazilian leg lock that the stripper put me in was definitely the highlight of the night
Next time I think buying tan-thru bikinis is a good idea, remind me of that time I passed out in one and burned the epic shit out of my pussy.
When was that?
Yesterday. Bring aloe. For my pussy.
I just figured out the time exactly by how many shots and beers that I've had since this morning. I either have a terrible problem, or a great solution.
Im quite confident that my struggle with sobriety ended last night sometime after dinner
If anything I look like a soccor mom going out for her annual ladies night. Trying hard, but not quite in her twenty's anymore.
i need some fresh meat. meat that has a license and a job and isn’t a FULL-blown alcoholic. partial i could tolerate, bc, haha, let’s be honest, me likey my drinkies.
He also needs to focus on not being such a little bitch, but that's none of my business.
DID YOU OR DID YOU NOT, PEE IN MY FUCKING TRASHCAN?!
i hooked up with all four beatles on halloween get on my level
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