I told him to come back in 5mins cause i needed to take a few more shots before i could talk to him
You should swallow it and be like the ticking crocodile. Only you play Still of the Night.
There could not be a more unattractive person. She just told me her period was so bad that she got sick. I think my penis retracted and killed himself
omg. why did you never tell me how amazing shitting and smoking is?
i thought this knowledge was automatically promulgated at the age of eighteen?
They called security on the security guard who tried to break up the party in their suite. You tell me how drunk they were.
We pulled over so he could pee and the next thing I know he's running down the hill by himself with his pants down
the cops who came hadnt heard yet. when we told them they sang the star spangled banner with us
I think he just tried to put your boyfriend in a trashcan....
It's a sad statement on my day when the high point was getting a pap test.
In Punta Cana for my bachelor trip, hopefully tomorrow my passport is blacklisted
I just want somebody who'll randomly bring me pizza and lovingly squeeze my butt. Is there a dating app for that, do you think?
On a scale of 1-10, how inappropriate is it to sneak into someone's box of sex toys and put googly eyes on their vibrator?
i can't hookup with him because someone else bit my vagina
And since we used to fuck you are absolutely obligated to like my tweets
I passed out in my bed, but woke up on the dog bed,with no pants, snuggling with toilet paper and a bottle of softsoap. Ive hit a new low.
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