I think your mom looks like a breed of donkey and elephant, but her boobs are perfect
I wanna be on tlc
Impossible. You are neither fat, fertile or fashionless.
Nothing says "You're all grown up now" like setting up your 401k with shitty underwear.
So im going to watch Hocus Pocus in my footie pajamas... How am I in college?
He was supposed to take me to a nice dinner, but istead all he did was get drunk and throw lit fireworks at me.
I feel like I've been drunk all of June. And I am in NO WAY ashamed about it.
And, through a series of unfortunate events, I am at my grandmothers birthday party in a short dress and no underwear
N I'm drinking this invention I call "do-it-fluid" I had a bottle of vodka that was 3/4th empty, so I put in 1/4th rum, 1/4th tequila, 1/4th whisky... it's definitely the worst idea ever..
strip vodka pong is never a good idea. I saw into his colon when he picked up the ball off the floor
I'm 2 beers deep on an empty stomach, and I just wanna say, I pride myself on my use of commas
If you can handle my post-party look you da real MVP
In other news, I just sent her a video of me masturbating while driving in the rain, so I guess you could say I've mastered Snapchat
I tried to get the guy I like to “spit shake” on a sexual bet... why am I such a bro fml
I told him I thought I was pregnant and he told me he accidentally killed my bird.
Circle of life.
Omg I just looked in my purse from last night.. 10 bags of gummy bears.
Randomize
