I can't finish this paper in my room because every time I get distracted I start masterbating. I think it's time to go to the library...
Either I get my picture taken sitting on a fuckin pony, or I'm not coming.
I just got my poem back from the prof, there's a sticker of a girraffe on it and it says "you're awesome!" ... How can this even be considered real college?!?
Dude, he sent me a pic of his dick. I thought dating a married man wouldn't remind me so much of high school. Seriously.
i really regret not blowing your cousin before he went to jail
I need to get a life, I am either crying at every glee episode or just wanting to blow rails off photos of us
My phone just said I texted someone at 430a and said let's fight. Then I texted them an hour later and said thanks.
My vagina has a mind if its own. Can you imagine if I didnt have you to run her ideas through.
In other news I think my vagina is sunburnt
As I was about to fuck him, he requested a moment of silence for Leonard Nimoy.
Like, when both of your dads are drag queens you're bound to have some amazing Halloween makeup
WTF. I was 99% sure I went straight home last night. I just woke up hugging a chair, and my tux pocket has a flask filled with what I think is red bull and gatorade. This has to be your doing.
It’s easy for me to be professional, the tough part is finding the perfect amount of bitchy undertone
He's a waste of a perfectly good penis.
I am eating croutons on my bathroom floor. Are you happy?!
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