Get out...Run...Or there's going to be a dick in your mailbox
We were all singing so you said you were going to play a percussion instrument... the crackers.
the only sentence i could make out from her was "i will wash these herpes away"
Walked girl from last night to car as gf was driving up. Got slow clap from neighbors.
I gave him 3 xanax and recorded the ball drop. He's gonna think tonight is New Years.
Put some vodka in it
Its 7am
put some vodka in it
I called my mom while I was blackout drunk, and told her I was drunk, safe, and happy. But really, I was just drunk.
In other news, I'm pretty sure my mom was encouraging me to have a threesome yesterday... I don't even want to start digging in that garden of horror and trauma.
walked into my roommates bathroom to her throwing up a quesadilla while singing come on skinny taco
The struggle bus has heated seats and stops at Dunkin on Friday mornings so I'll be okay.
When is the right time to ask your new roommate for her school schedule so she doesn't walk in on you fucking some rando in the kitchen in the middle of the afternoon?
His family, without saying anything, started a game of quarters the moment the drinks arrived. I love them. If only I didn't hate him so much.
Going on a first date tonight...pros: my boobs look amazing. Cons: my abortion isn't until next week.
Auto correct isn't even working for how drunk you are
Getting on a bus with a beer pong table. I am proof we can make this campus fun.
Randomize
