You told the cops that they couldn't arrest you because they weren't hot enough to fuck
bars should really give you discounts for bringing your own shot glass
She just told me she blew the waiter in the bathroom. Should I still leave a tip?
i feel like you're just hanging onto the edge of functioning wino.
I'm just here to guide your spirit, avoiding herpes is on you though
Still had my bottle opener ring on. Started to give him a hand job. LOL
please bring me a paper towel asap.
I was drinking wine in bed and spilt some on my chest.. And I cautiously guided it into my belly button but now I dont know what to do.
Only thing worse than going to work with a hangover is going to work with a hangover then realizing that u don't have to work that day
A bee came out of the shoe box and stung her. Even the insect community doesn't want her in those hideous things.
Please make sure you have solid number of friends around you that wouldn't be afraid to break a bottle and stab someone. If you're planning on drinking all of that, you're going to need a safety net.
There is nothing worse then the feeling after you've held in farts all night..
What's his name?
I think we should have a sex position advent calendar
I just learned in class that female whales slap their fins against the water and then ten males come and fight for her yet we can't get guys to text us back
Do you know how close I got to throwing him over the edge of the canyon?
Anyone who does not know who Paul McCartney is does NOT get to put hands in my pants
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