I'm eating all of the evidence.
he just put it in my mouth and said "go"
I heard you threw up in your lap?
I heard that too.
i found you on the dancefloor with your cell phone to your ear saying that you didn't like the music they played at the club so you were going to listen to your own
I would compare it to a jeffrey but in smoothie form. More drugs in here than Bobby Brown's sock drawer.
This guy keeps going off in the metal detector. When is it appropriate for me to punch him in the throat just in case?
He's not actually Jewish. Turns out he just wears the yarmulke to cover his bald spot.
It was his birthday this weekend. I had to carry him 6 blocks, in 3 inch heels. The entire time he was trying to molest me, eat my face, and try to stop every two feet to tie his shoe. He would light a cigarette, forget about it, almost burn everyone, throw it out, then decide he wanted to smoke. He kept repeating that he trusts me with his life.
...Wow...
I could be a kindergarten teacher
Would nail polish remover take gorilla glue off my nipples? We had a strange night.
I've got the dick your vagina needs, but not the one it deserves right now.
You and your vagina are hellbent on selfdestruction and bad decisions
Dude...can we put that on a tshirt? I will totally sport that shit.
i chased my gummy vitamins with cold bacon, never say I don't take care of myself
According to my Fitbit I was passed out in my car for 2 hours after she got us kicked out of the bar
I was 40 minutes late to work today because I was getting fucked. Walked in to discover that it's apparently performance review day. Employee of the year.
I’ve got a sex swing and lube, he’s not going anywhere soon
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