I woke up this morning wearing my tux shirt and jacket, but no pants.
______ was pissed. My breath tastes like tequila and doritos, and I couldn't get it up.
Hi Jason, it's Liz. We dont need you to pick us up anymore. I dont care if you will be here in a milisecond. And you should know im wearing really amazing shoes.
drunk doesn't even begin to explain it. dude called him and said to bring you back because he'd already called dibs.
i have a $600 bill for my ER visit in which they did nothing but suggest to me that i am an alcoholic.
Apparently I also called my credit card company to demand a credit limit increase. I'm so content with not drinking another 60 days
Dont ask, hes out back rolling around in the yard freaking out. literally just had a 15 minute conversation, only word i could make out was "yellow"
i didnt have any regrets until i found out he was a freshman.... and the only reason he got into yale was because of soccer... and he wasnt premed.
At one point they were sandwiching me, both petting my stomach, mad dogging each other. Then they somehow telepathically decided to both try to pull my pants down. Such nice guys.
At one point, he came in to give her a pep talk, and then after he left, she just kept whispering his name into the toilet between heaves.
You rode your bike four miles to my house. Yelled "I'm so high!" Then crashed into his car. It's a problem.
You ran through a field yelling "I'm frolicking! I'm frolicking!" Then fell on your face. How is your nose today, doll?
You don't usually get feedback after a one night stand... But you hit it out of the park. I'm proud to call you a friend.
I'm shaking a cocktail while in bed. Is that bad?
I just typed "I've got a friend" and my phone autocompletes to "that's a dick appointment". What is my life.
is it weird that i just witnessed the marriage of someone ive had sex with on multiple occasions?
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