so, totally just picked up a pack of red bull, and some magnum condoms and the old woman at the register's tone went from "hi blah how are you" to "oh....how YOU DOIN'?" she knew what was up
Have you come up with a team name for the beer pong tournament on Saturday?
We can be the stepdads. If anyone asks why say because we beat you and you hate us.
i sneezed during and he said it felt like i gave birth to his dick...then asked me to do it again.
if you count grabbing my crotch as an introduction then yeah i got a couple of those tonight
i felt obligated to tell him happy birthday since we trashed his house and i fucked his friend in his basement
It felt like getting blasted with a supersoaker filled with vagina juice.
We sold so many girl scout cookies when we were little. What went wrong?
This is me reassuring you that I'm still alive and making sure you still are.
I'm applying temporary tattoos with green beer, this is the life.
for a while, i completely forgot that you wrote "fuck me" on my stomach before we went out. when he took my shirt off that night, he just looked down and said, "may i?". i think i'm in love
Apparently at 2 AM I decided to let the world know about my newfound love for elephants
Well right but if we go, he may just disappear for a long time into the unknown with the drag queens.
I've been called an asshole for a lot of things in my life, but I never thought it would be because of potatoes
You're breaking my sexual little heart
We were drunk at 3am with no food. I sent him to the lobby with ninety cents for like a bag of chips and I swear on my life he came back with a meatball sub
...did you ask him where he got a meatball sub at 3:00am?
He just kept mumbling something about being a hunter/gatherer
Oh AND he got us two bags of chips.
Randomize
