Segways are the fanny packs of transportation. Useful in some situations, but you always look like a tool when using one.
I have the worst wedgie. Seriously. Its horible. And there are people everywhere around me.
Slide your hand down the back of your pants and shift to the side slowly
...are you coming on to me?
She asked me to cum on her. ON her. I think we're out of the friend zone
I've never played a more sexually-tense game of Uno in my life.
remind me again why lemons and alcohol in the crock pot is a bad idea?
First day of class and I'm in a bar drinking pitcher #3. Foreshadowing?
Good idea. You gotta take care of your vagina. She takes care of you. Pay it forward.
If I asked you to guess what I'm doing right now how many guesses would it take to get to really high eating an apple bumping techno
shes wearing an ankle tracker so she should be easy to find
At first I was nervous about leaving him my undergraduate legacy, but apparently he made out with lesbians, woke up with hickeys and a different shirt. My family name will survive.
I can't even spell what he said he was on. And I had to call 4 people before someone had heard of it.
I woke up naked in her room. More precisely, I woke up naked in her room with her and her sister laughing at my penis. I hate my life.
I love that my family celebrates every holiday with a joint. Chanukah? Mazel-juana! Easter? What's more spring than the color green? Election day? What better way to celebrate democracy in action than medical pot?
I better get weekly incoherent text messages or I will assume something is wrong.
You're incredible, and I'm drunk
Randomize
