i have to start hiding my credit card when i drink i woke up this morning with 4 emails from Farmville telling me i spent over $800 on coins last night
I told him i wanted to be exclusively cheating with him
I'll just get wasted and start throwing myself at men. Someone's bound to take the bait
I'm like the kid who wants his birthday and christmas equally. Every time I get one I want the other. Only I don't want holidays I want brothers
Can I just say I love that you have a kegorator on your wedding registry?
Hey man, I found your crocs and your visor in the road. Got em for you.
We don't have sex anymore. We both agree that the olympics are more important to watch. All day. Also i don't look good compared to the athletes...
you're right. a strip only looks good in porn . mine just looks like a fucked up mullet
And my coffee table looks like something out of Scarface
Drink. Fuck. Waffle House. Repeat.
Is it illegal to hookup with your fathers god child?
When God made him he put all his talent in his dick. What he lacks in brain, he makes up for in loin.
What, wait. You are not supposed to drink wine out of the bottle?
when part of the plan includes getting high, i usually forget how the rest of the plan goes.
I have a bag of frozen peas on my vagina. If you want to talk about real problems.
Randomize
