So I thought I was slick leaving his room this morning all incognito. Little did I know I was wearing his football jersey with his name across the back... stilettos & my bra was left behind. never seeing that again
the best part about being a teacher is there are always 20 little kids around me to blame my farts on
as veruca salt said, "i want it now!"
uhh im not your indulgent father, stoned and im in the middle of making tacos. right now, tacos win
Apparently having him hold an open book in front of me while i'm blowing him doesn't count as studying...
My picture of a beer can in a McDonalds cup full of ice got more likes than my relationship with her. Is beer THAT much better than monogamy?
There were midgets. And vodka. If you don't appreciate the awesomeness of that sentence, read it again.
I was thinking more like a "sorry you can hear us, but I'm having the best sex of my life" cake
It wasn't a basement apartment, it's his parents basement. And he wanted to show me his pet tarantula collection. I NOPED THE FUCK OUT!
She proposed we share a dildo. Hopefully she was joking.
She makes margaritas with lemon-lime 5 hour energy..thats brilliant
and you were wondering how she got into Harvard
I just Miyagied my roommate through her first set of tit pics. Her fuck buddy owes me.
I need an office. I have big plans. I'm learning spanish this month.
My idiot ex texted me on Valentine's day to tell me I was right, he did need a therapist.
Like either my tits got bigger or I've succumbed to Trumps tiny hand syndrome
I fucked a marine... I told him it was like personal revenge and he said he could live with that and that he didn't mind being used.
Randomize
