I need to shower the guilt off of my thighs.
i've already watched her fall off the steps, walk up on our porch and try to dance with the dog, and stumble across the street to stand outside the neighbors window...is it taking it too far to watch this rando girl and some guy have sex behind our parking lot now?
I'm covered in pickle juice. Why do you people leave me alone?
When did you hit me on the head with a stool?
You face planted into a car door. And somehow didn't drop your burrito.
You were on the drunk bus swinging around on the pole when you decided you were hungry, so you pulled half a bagel out of your pants and ate it. Everyone stared at you, dumbfounded as to where it came from, and cheered
it's graduation. he's gonna get congratulations slash emotional i cant believe youre leaving me sex.
Balls are being tripped. Said meow to my cat and he said yeah cool dude.
I need to shower three times. First to be clean, second to wash off all sins, and third will classify as baptism.
Just don't let me get too drunk. At one point I pulled out my dick and pissed at that party. Like on the wall.
Wake up. Eat bread. Find your dignity. Don't be late for work again.
You danced?!
I just jiggle to the beat like a sexy lava lamp
Last night was great... In the "I got videotaped making out and getting a handjob on the couch in front of 100 people." kinda way.
I was running because his wife invited me to join them on their kinky Vegas weekend. Crossing state lines is too much commitment for me.
Note to self: NEVER have sex with anyone who is experiencing explosive diarrhea.
I've never been so happy to be celibate.
Randomize
