oh God, I have a dick of a middle schooler
I was excited because I thought I didn't have to tell you about the crabs, but surprise! You got em!
I woke up to the bathroom door of steak n shake hitting me in the face at 4 in the morning...
So, Southern Comfort will donate 25 cents for every bottle sold towards Gulf Coast Relief... Can we save the wetlands through my alcoholism?
my advisor is telling us the best way to sneak in alcohol on move in day. I definately picked the right college
I woke up to a bag of pies and a lot of questions
So awkward... The newspaper lady just caught me sitting stoned in my driveway at 5 am and asked if I was okay. I'm way better than ok right now
I wish my head, heart, dick, and nose could just agree on something for once
Someone got day drunk, but I'm not saying who.
It was me.
Remember that night I drank a bunch of vodka, pounded your Jameson because 'you were a pussy', punched you in the face and ran off as fast as my high heels could go? It was just my Russian and Irish sides fighting for genetic dominance
We smoked a bowl in front of the abortion clinic shouting Obama at the protestors.
How bad would it be to ask my maintenance man for new blinds because the dude puked on those too?
I think Jabba the Hut is dying in the stall next to me.
I just overheard an "I'm going to get your dick so hard" conversation at Costco.
On a scale of one to ten how bad is it that the first cardio I've done in months is jogging to the bars?
I'll just go with dedication.
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