U dropped me off n it hit me, i made it inside for exactly shit thirty on the nose, another minute n i would of had brown trowsers
Tried to buy Xanax from my boss last night. Wrong Mike.
dude they were twins that means they were both only 17
I just scratched behind my ear and found icing. Fuck you.
literally hosing herself off in my back yard with the hose. i offered her the shower but she refused. that drunk.
I'm gonna lurk in the mother fucking bushes and watch karma take him down like a gimpy gazelle.
it was a frathouse cornucopia of foul mixed drinks and "sangria", which im convinced was blood and pcp
The best part about this city is obvious. Someone saw me crouching by a bar pissing in my leftover Panera bread bowl and they just winked.
Did you hear about Miss Teen Delaware? From the snippet they played on the radio, I knew exactly what porn company it was from. Maybe I should cut back
The Universe is CLEARLY playing a bad joke on your sex life
Would it be weird if I congratulated the guy who almost broke up my marriage for working on the marriage equality bill? You know, thanks for fighting for the sanctity of marriage. Weird, right?
I remember us getting kicked out of the bar, but neither of us know why. We woke up next to chicken bones on a plate with spoons, and my car has mud all over it including places where feet shouldn't be, like the speakers on the car door.
We single women of America need to make America great again by refusing to fuck anyone who supports Trump.
This is my second month of college and all I've learned is how to get a guy to go down on me without asking out loud and not to chase everclear with Smirnoff ice.
Essential life skills
I should have known when she said it would be "fun" we'd end up in the hospital
Randomize
