I was going to clean my house but wine sounded better
1. I feel like Jello 2. The girl i hooked up with last night isn't here and a different girl is lying next to me. 3. I have no clothes on 4. Can guys go on walks of shame?
You couldn't stand up so I took you home, took off your makeup, put you to bed then shaved off your eyebrows. I so nearly won the responsible adult prize.
We pulled over so he could pee and the next thing I know he's running down the hill by himself with his pants down
My neighbors are outside blasting Hootie and the Blowfish while drunkenly hitting a stump with a hammer. I could get used to this.
My diabetic professor who apparently didn't eat anything all day keeps passing out. I gave him a joint. He's gonna be fine.
I got kicked out of the hotel after wandering into the banquet kitchen at 2am trying to find the shrimp....so we're power napping in the car and then driving to madison.
Every time I see him I get horny. I can't help it!
Just stop. You're making other wives look bad. We are all starting to hate you.
Is drinking before noon still a bad idea if you invent an amazing cocktail?
Just came so hard my back cracked. Other women are totally missing out if they don't masturbate.
As long as you don't want to make a shrine out of my eyelashes It's all good
So the dog chewed my vibrator last night. It added a nice new texture actually.
I'd date him. I'd date the fucking shit out of him.
I've realized that drinking at your apartment alone on a Tuesday probably isn't a good thing.
I need my comforter. Pls bring it to me and drape me in it like an animal pelt. Ps I'm naked.
Randomize
