JACOB AND UGLY BROKE UP
I walked in on my roommate finishing watching something on his computer. There was cum all over his screen. He awkwardly said hi and pulled up his pants.
bet u 5 dollars u can't guess were i woke up this morning
oh god.. jail?
better, on the catwalk of the auditorium
first off, his name is dougie. strike one.
are we at that level where i can tell you your girlfriends tits looked really good yet?
I knew I fucked up when I woke up with the meat scissors in my hand.
Bro I can't jerk it to my phone anymore. I feel Siri staring back, and she's real disappointed.
sorry for the naked aussie man in your room last night, he got lost on his way to the bathroom
Me either. I want to get 'chase a stray cat through the neighborhood in my hooker heels' drunk. And it's your birthday, so you have to get 'best friend holding your hair while you puke in the bar bathroom and cry about your life' drunk. In a feather boa.
Apparently i asked the cab driver how much the ride was going to cost, (he said about $25) then i offered him 50 to let me drive the cab...
He went THROUGH MY PHONE (he's 30 for God sake) then asked me why I was stringing along 12 guys... I told him he could have just asked me if I was banging other people and then saved himself from looking at pics of dicks bigger than his.
No one suspects that a sweet girl who is excited about her anniversary with her bf just blew her partner at work in a communal area a few hours ago, so its cool.
Just found out my rents have been paying my siblings to cockblock me for the past 5 years
Not as covert as you thought huh?
As I was puking, these 2 guys started peeing next to me chanting me on
He fingerfucked me in the hot tub and then we had sex in the wine cellar. See thats why I like partying with rich people
Randomize
