Your face is a jimmy john
guy picked up a cops taser, thing shot him in the neck, he went down and pissed himself, cop started laughing and hasnt called an ambulance.
just saw my sister at the strip club... dont think she's "taking a night class over the summer"
he was so high, he talked to my goldfish for an hour telling him the dangers of overfeeding.
We had sex this morning and after she goes, " So are we going to do something for Valentines Day?"
im contemplating emailing my dad and telling him how worthless i am and how sorry i am that he pays for my life...aka my bar tabs.
Within 5 minutes of max walking in his pants were off and he was wearing my snow goggles as underwear.
I sent her 8 pictures of my dick in a baked potato. Not sure how I thought that would get me laid later.
When he left he said something to the effect of "well now that I've been used..." I think he may be on to me.
You'd be amazed at how difficult it is to find pics of the helicopter dick
I am very proud of your internet skills
No im just getting a road beer. You got my pants?
So. How about you can get tequila certified...
Someone want to explain the bottle of ranch I found in my pants
We walking to the game and some random guy came up to to me and yelled "hey you're the whiskey guy!" And then high fived me then walked away
Just got back from a Walmart run. The music went straight from Kid Rock to John Phillip Souza. If that doesn't scream 'MURICA I don't know what will. Happy 4th!
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