I was about to go down on her and her dong flopped out and hit me in the chin. This may have a Nam like post-traumatic-stress-disorder effect on me.
He said finals are more important than getting stoned on 4/20. I'm proud in a disappointing kinda way
We should see who can shotgun a beer faster over iPhone FaceTime
I tried to put the left over margartia in a box for you but they wouldn't let me
I have had more skin than food in my mouth the last three days
We blazed in her bathtub. All 5 of us. Not easy bro
Two run-ins with cops/park rangers tonight and now I'm just wandering around high and shirtless
Sacramento doesn't deserve you
If I had a penis, I'd want to put it in you. And I'd treat you with respect and pay for your drinks.
My mom just drunk texted me complaining about her genitals smelling like Taco Bell. I really am her son
She was doing hand motions and used straws from drinks like those airport light batons to have me back my "747 jumbo dick" towards you.
Only real friends lend their restraints to engagedfriends to fool around with married strangers.
Dude I just realized i did a camper walk of shame in front of amish people. I should have asked for cheese and a home made pie to cover it up. Im just lost shopping in amish country nothing to see here
I officially have worse injuries from a baby shower than roller derby.
Remember that guy I fucked last month? Well I'm watching his dog this weekend while he's in the Bahamas with his girlfriend. What is my life
Accidentally drunk dialed my mom last night. Started the conversation with "Where you at girl?"
Randomize
