Do I have a sign around my neck that says "SWM desperately seeking ultra-plus-size woman that likes everything I do"? I swear they're organized
No, but you do have a sign around your neck that says "Free cupcakes."
He came on my face and tried to draw out a smiley face because he said I looked like I had a bad day
You were walking around with a baby carrier pretending your vodka was a baby. You tried to get pictures on santas lap
Watching tv. She's giving me head and she hates it when I watch her.
Thanks in advance for a great weekend. Sorry your roommates are going to hate you after I leave. They need to loosen up anyways.
I may be Daddy's little princess, but doesn't mean I can't be the blowjob queen.
I'm too hungover to crawl to the fridge so im eating the candy nipple tassels I got bought for Christmas
Oh and my new excuse for not being able to hook up is cholera, feel free to use it
You should really trust me on this one. "hit it and quit it" might not be the best career move on your part...
You should kill a bro for me and drag his carcass home so I can study him.
being sober in physics class makes me realize the regularity with which i show up to it still drunk
I almost spit out my drink. But only almost, because it was vodka. And you don't spit out vodka.
I don't remember coming in last night, but apparently I ate a piece of pizza because when I woke up I had pizza crust stuck to the back of my thighs.
Do you remember the guy that smelled like hot dogs?
Jesus better clutch that motherfucking wheel, then.
I'M NOT PUTTING MY TRUST IN JESUS! I'M PUTTING MY TRUST IN YOU!
Randomize
