she pooped in my shower. pooped. woke me up and said she thought she farted but it wasnt a fart i went back 2 sleep and found it hours later. no longer hooking up w chicks my moms age.
If I remember taking any of my finals after tomorrow night, it will not have been a successful night.
This is how we made chicken soup last night: Whole chicken in a pot of vodka with a box of crackers and some carrots. We should go pro.
slow down on the beer.. we don't need another pentabong projectile hot dog incident
just found a bag of Oreos in my purse labeled "emergency".
My three rules on what I'm wearing tonight. Something short, something see through, and something i had sex in.
Yea he doesn't really know about any of this yet but my game plan is to keep wowing him with my vagina and cooking skills. It's up too future me to handle the rest.
It's not a real holiday until someone pees on you. Did someone pee on you?
I just KNEW this was gonna happen. NEVER say "all the free Jameson you can drink" around Tina.
wait did i hook up with someone in mcdonalds last night?
...and that's why girls with IBS don't paint their nails
I just remembered I did the whole byebyebye dance at the bar
Did I, at any point last night, say I was dying?
I refuse to go to a doctor for a sex injury, not when I've come so far already
I'm literally the definition of crunk, sunburnt, and dehydrated. I'm going to die tomorrow.
Randomize
