this beer tastes like vomit already
I just took a dump by candlelight. I feel like a pilgrim.
it was like weight watchers had a halloween party.
well we are all hammered and my parents are reminiscing about all the times they drove us home drunk from Christmas
She told me she wanted to wax my ass. I'm terrified and oddly aroused.
You can't just hum the Jaws theme song when you pull down my pants.
4 to the list in one week. Slutsville isn't as fun as the brochure promised.
The best thing about my promotion is that I now have an office with a door. I can take my naps in peace instead of leaning my head against the stall in the bathroom.
I can't believe they pay you six figures. I hate you.
Just had an old man tip me two dollars and say "here put this in your baby fund, you'll have a baby someday" I swear this is gods way of saying GET ON BIRTH CONTROL NOW!
Sounds like it could have been the night you pulled out your love stump at the strip club.
LinkedIn just suggested I might know the guy I caught my wife fucking.
I didn't want to hook up with him so I just jumped out of bed, yelled "I don't even believe in god!" and ran out of the room
Let me be the vehicle for you to live out your slutty half-gay dreams.
Ultimate fat girl moment: I promised him my mouth for the night if he bought me a funnel cake..
Update: my mom just told someone to shut up and suck her dick
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