I just gave the bartender my number in roman numerals. If she figures it out, she's worth a shot
pop tarts are not kleenex
Tonight we are playing Scuba-Keg. Getting keg now. I'll explain when i get home.
There needs to be a newsfeed for phones... A list of all my drunken calls, texts, BBMs, new contacts, pictures sent AND received, all in chronological order.
Did I ever tell u about how my buddy fucked peter coors's daughter and made a tshirt that said I TAPPED THE ROCKIES with her picture on it?
He just dragged himself across the floor on his back claiming to be "the swiffer" help
It's surprise blowjob week. You should be excited.
She said I'm so hungry I could eat a dick and winked at me
My roommate is watching gummy bears "race" from a mega-marshmallow to his lava lamp.
I feel like I deserve an award for facing my fear of penises in my face.
I stood in my living room with two beers in my hand asking these said beers if they were going to drink each other. I then insisted that I would drink them and chugged both. Happy Halloween.
I thought my holiday spirit was gone this year until I got banged to Christmas music. It's back.
IT'S LIKE LOOKING INTO GOD'S VAGINA!!!!
I walked in to you guys using a milk jug as a gravity bong
Surrounded by smaller versions of the same
I’m on my way to fuck the new hockey player
Ride him like a Zamboni
Randomize
