how was the sex?
he smelled like pickles and burnt hair.
well, there's that.
It all came flooding back to me: there was a woman with one hand
I'm gonna put my relationship status as "widowed" to see if it helps me get some poon.
Question: Is it too early to claim April Fools on the text "can we do some lines before the concert" that I accidentally sent Mom?
Okay, good. And if you have one of those portable strip poles that would be nice too.
This was my thought process as I drunkenly ran home: Whoa! I'm going so FAST! Why don't I run EVERYWHERE! ALL THE TIME! Then I peed in a bush and passed out on the ground.
So basically you were a dog.
Euphemism? No, "pantsless vodka yoga" is a legitimate pastime of mine
I'm calling into work tomorrow for day drinking and kitten shopping. Totally legitimate.
if any part of your body has ever entered my vagina you are fucking obligated to speak to me if i so desire
My mouth tastes like what I imagine a hobo's skin would taste like.
You're putting the star player on the bench. You dont put Michael Jordan on the bench.
Are you referring to my vagina as Michael Jordan?
I have vodka and explosives. For once, we can blow something up that isn't a blow-up doll.
He smoked and I was tired so left before we did anything. I literally left him high and dry.
You invited these random guys into your apartment that you met in the hallway...& then you started screaming at them to get out cause you didn't know who they were.
Of course he did! You’ve seen my tits, you know he didn’t stand a chance!
Randomize
