Last-second stop at the drug store for lube and condoms. Clerk said "So uhmmm...that's a done deal, huh?"
High five!
Xanax induced break ups are the best. Since I'm a professional fiancee, I'm going to break up with them on Xanax from now on. It didn't hurt one tiiiiiny bit.
his mom called while we were having sex and asked if we could finish in his brothers room because her ceiling fan was about to fall on her bed
scratched cornea got me an eyepatch and a blowjob from a girl with a thing for pirates
I was just expressing concern for your pickle consumption.
What shirt can I wear out that says 'I may have a broken arm, but it's not the one I give handjobs with'?
Well the streets were closed, so it was okay for me to just lay down for a little bit.
If I pissed all over some chicks bed I would probably apologize for getting so wasted, not putting out, and turning into a god damn R. Kelly Cinderella... Not ask for coffee and a ride home.
Went kayaking. drunk. DID NOT FALL IN. Mission succesful.
At least he finally released me from his spooning oven of death...
you went to ralph's and bought all of their pears and left them outside my house
Well, he hasn't actually seen me naked. Just my boobs... and the left side of my vagina.
Let this be a lesson to you, parmesan cheese crumbles are not a good substitute for coffee creamer, no matter how high you are
I need my comforter. Pls bring it to me and drape me in it like an animal pelt. Ps I'm naked.
my favorite part was when you kept waving @ that guy and insisiting it was your cousin..and it wasnt and wondering why he wasnt waving back lol you were legit PISSED
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