I just walked through a room full of deaf people and farted i love deaf people
While she was crying about breaking up, he looked at her through his fork and said "of course she's upset, she's in jail." Having sex with him tonight.
we need blinds so i can safely watch porn during the day
Just when I thought this night couldn't get any worse, my dad sang and dedicated Sexual Healing to me at kareoke night.
You seemed more interested in the queso dip than you were in the hand job
I wonder if she thought to herself "I'm gonna sleep with that guy tonight" when she watched me puke on the bar at 3 in the afternoon?
we flagged you as soon as you tried to put the lime in the microwave to prove it was really a kiwi. again.
I'll just tell her I'm here with you picking out a buttplug for her to say "I'm sorry".
Im playing lifeguard in my own bathroom. How's ur night?
Within 24 hours, I went to a feminist documentary screening with two state reps and you hate fucked a rent-a-cop on the helipad of your hospital. Somewhere our lives went in different directions.
I still make more money.
I'm FaceTiming Pizza Hut.
In unrelated news guys should not ask what I'm doing/wearing if they can't handle an honest answer. I'm not pretending I'm not sitting on the couch in yoga pants watching Community so you can beat off.
You walked up to a random girl on the street and asked her for a bite of her pizza...
She just called at a dance party, and you stopped mid puke to join. Another successful night.
Between his smile and monumental dick even the virgin mary woulda blown that man and I am far from the virgin. I didn't stand a chance.
Randomize
