omg i finished an entire carton of double double chunk chunk ice cream last night...
what? what exactly is in double double chunk chunk?
self-loathing.
After a valiant attempt at golf, I think it's time for Tiger to go back to doing what he does best- having sex w/ blond, white women.
Almost peed between 2 cars...till I realized that it's daytime and I'm sober.
We just passed a billboard that said to join "jerseydoesntstink.com" and literally 15 seconds later, we could smell jersey.
Theres also beggin' strips and a dog bone in the corner...nooo signs of there being a dog though.
Please just tell me how ugly she was so I can bask in the diminishingly small reassurance that might give me
Pretty sure I just heard the turkey yell "don't put me in there" as it was going in the oven. way too high for this holiday.
I would have gladly let him decapitate me with the way he was biting on my neck.
You screamed "show me a dick stand!" But before I could ask you wft that was you had passed out in the corner
Like real life can suck my metaphorical dick right now.
Fuckin' raining men in my bedroom while I'm trying to drunk eat a rather large portion of pasta. Like shoo I already picked who I'm sleeping with. Pasta wins.
Anyways, he came over at 3:30 am and ate me out while I ate pizza on the counter
Does your balding hurt less when a 19 year old holds your hand?
I bet you my entire life savings of $0 that there's a Doctor Who porn parody and that it features the sonic screwdriver being inserted into some cavities
Okay so my roommate deals some drugs so whenever he leaves we can hook up, be ready
I didn't know I was the on call booty call damn
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