I just woke up in my car with half the wedding cake next to me. This will not end well.
I just saw a midget ride by on a scooter...wearing a bowtie and a helmet. My life is complete.
you came home covered in oatmeal wearing a tutu holding a stolen wrotting pumpkin and "its a girl" balloons tied around your neck.you were whispering the lyrics to aaron carters 'aarons party'. i think the real question was what DIDNT you drink last night
I just made a moltov cocktail out of lubricant and a christmas bulb. The fire is still going strong. MERRY CHRISTMAS
a small fire erupted but we put it out with a can of beer so everything's fine
Dude the animal human society told us we could get a dog when we came back sober. I cant wait.
Apparently I whispered "Jesus was here" and bailed out of the moving taxi.
Sometimes you just need a break, and sometimes you also need to get stoned on these breaks. I sound like some kind of fucked up mr rogers when I say shit like that.
Would you be mad if I just used the argument "I'm allowed to say that, my best friend is a lesbian"?
Never. I'm proud to help you win arguments.
He threw up on my head while I was blowing him, and then I started barfing, and the kitchen floor was a mess. Believe me, he will never, ever live this down.
You seriously don't remember crying about how much you miss your mom right before we hooked up?
Day two of not drinking, I think my cat is trying to eat me.
Psychosis secondary to sobriety???
Well, i'm not hugging a bag of cheetos and crying while I watch Friends wishing that we were Ross and Rachel. So clearly I'might doing better than last night.
Pretty sure the delivery guy saw me taking a shit this morning
my hair smells like a mixture of fireworks and rotten eggs with a hint of shame. it's so strong it's keeping me awake.
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