I realized as I was wesiging my engamemby ring that you'd never love me tha same. I have life plans and Sam showed them to me
What? You're not speaking real words.
You wanted to speak to the manager of mcdonalds as to why a "bag of cheeseburgers" isn't a menu option.
i figure i've seen his cum stains on the floor, i'm allowed to say these things.
Drinking, I should not. Got here I don't know. Still drunk, I am. At courtneys.
Ran into my neighbor that's always crying. I wonder if she's like; "I ran into my neighbor who's always playing with her vibrator?"
I swear to god little potato creatures live inside Belvedere bottles and claw at your throat as you swallow shots.
i have a raging boner for Saturday, day drinking is one of my top favorite things right next to alligator wrestling and blowing shit up
Just bc you put "its cute" at the end of it doesn't change the fact that u have called me a vag twice this morning and its only 10:03
apparently they stopped looking at spit swabs under the microscope in bio ever since they found a sperm cell in one students sample
In the future, could you not call me 'bro' while we're having sex?
THE HALLOWEEN QUEST WILL BE PICS OF US IN OUR COSTUMES IN EXCHANGE FOR DICK PICS. IT HAS BEEN DECIDED.
I am the worst person to have nipple rings I'm hanging ornaments off of then and sending everyone a tits the season to be jolly
returning from a 6am booty call in 2 feet of snow on a Tuesday is a bold new kind of low for me
THAT BEAUTIFUL FACE AND HEAVENLY LIGHTING IS NOT HELPING THE NOT DEAD POINT HOW DO I NOT KNOW YOU ARE NOT TEXTING ME FROM THE AFTERLIFE
The after life smells like latex gloves and hand soap
How drunk is too drunk to be on an airplane?
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