I went out, and slept with my sunglasses on
Blind date just said "Can't wait till I'm married so i can let myself go". There will be no second date.
This martini tastes like the bartender stirred it with his foreskin.
That's ok. Our relationship has a solid foundation of booze and questionable behavior.
I just ate nachos topless with a fork. Live with meeee
He dropped me off at 4 in the morning because I made fun of Pearl Jam..
I want to be ashamed of the things we do this weekend
We ate our feelings. Then drank our feelings. I feel feminism delivered.
Braid them armpits, sister.
I just looked into the eyes of the man whose car I peed on last night
I hopped in a random dudes car outside the strip club at 3pm on a Sunday and said "Follow that car!"
Do you understand how hard it is to go down on a guy underwater? Didn't think so....
I just want to be like i dont know you but ive seen your penis & i like it
I know him enough to fuck him but not enough to give him advice.
so you can go out and drink with me then fuck me, or you can come over when i get home and fuck me, or you can come over before and fuck me, or you can come over before and after and fuck me... so many fucking options
Im glad your laughing because im currently convincing my penis you didnt mean it and its all gunna be ok.
Randomize
