Went to bed at 4 in a strangers bed. woke up wearing scrubs, realized i was gonna be late for work so i just wore the same clothes as the day before... i don't have a toothbrush and im pretty sure there is leftover semen in my mouth. at some point i think i was at the beach cuz theres is sand in my underwear. i love newport already.
I woke up on a raft in a bath tub filled with beer. excellent night.
he told me he saved a turtle in the middle of the road.. i told him id be over in ten minutes...i mean he deserves a bj after that.
You know why I moved here? No public intoxication law. A cop just helped me from my bent over vomit pose, asked if I was ok, and gave me a ride home.
What happened to chicks over dicks?
That rule does not apply to 9 inch dicks..
I just want you to know if you wake up tomorrow morning and wreak of mustard, I was not involved.
She counted 5,6,7,8 then intentionally kneed herself in the eye numerous times.
Def just hooked up with my brother's senior prom date in his bed. Does that make me the worst brother ever?
Somehow it went from suicide to pierced nipples. I think we're good.
I just did a booty-call caliber shave job in preparation for this weekend. Fuck being ladylike; I'm tryna get LAID-ylike
ok now I feel liek a very drunk human instead of a chaos being thanks water
To be honest, waking up to 20 naked people in my house was not the weirdest thing to happen to me in the past 24 hours
You know you're getting old when 19 year olds you've met on tinder advise you that you should start looking for a wife and/or the mother of your children
Dude so help me god I WILL weigh a penis one day
Dude, the T Swift concert might not be so bad after all. Can you say milfs living vicariously through their teenage daughters? Score.
Randomize
