I have way too many pictures of poop on my phone
kill, fuck, marry: alice cullen, hermione granger, ginny weasley.
damn... fuck alice for sure, I feel bad but i think I have to say marry ginny... and kill hermoine! I can't believe I'm answering this right now.
just went to the store to buy a mop & tampons. i feel like i just gave in to all those women jokes.
I'm gonna vom. In the dentist chair. Who makes a dentist appt for July fucking 5th.
Rain ponchos don't count as shirts at the bar. FYI.
She asked me to head butt her and after half a bottle of whiskey that seemed reasonable.
I have so much boob sweat I could bathe a baby
the cab driver asked if you were our mom. you definitely shouldn't have tipped him so much.
My drug dealer just asked me to go see Les Mis on Christmas. Should I be worried this is some type of musical set-up?
Some guy just drank alcohol from me shoe..I think he's had enough..
CALL 911 HAND IS STUCK IN THE GARBAGE DISPOSAL. HELP
Do we still have any pizza left from last night?
Is it appropriate to send an apology gift to his roommates for breaking the bathroom sink during crazy sex?
I know how to kill a man with nutmeg and a sword. You in?
Or nah
While all of the skanky girls from the crowd got on stage we screamed fair game and scoped out all their boyfriends, she made out with 2, this is what we call taking advantage of the situation
can jess come too?
sure! but I don't have enough booze for the both of you.
she comes with her own booze, no worries.
Randomize
