Shes cool when Im fuckin smashed.....Sober.....She suuuuuuuuuuucks
i just watched my husband get a prostate exam. sex is ruined for me.
So the dentist told me I couldn't suck on anything. She emphasized ANYthing.
i'm pretty sure the only people calling it "sexting" are ones who don't actually do it
Hands down, the girl passed out in the bathroom was the best looking. Concious or not.
shape ups are the best shoes to wear when youre stoned. its like walking on little trampolines every step.
You were with some girl. Your exs best friend. Your shirt was half undone and she was telling you to put your penis away. It wasn't out but you wanted to. Patron is your weaknes.
As he was under the stripper backwards, he yelled "we should totally be facebook friends"
It was almost as bad as the time I peed on the floor of the Pentagon's subway station.
I plan on showing these boobs to so many people that by the end of it ill just have a shirt of beads.
Sometimes I think I'm witty and funny, and then I realize it 3pm and I'm drunk
Had a dream I went to Disney to visit you and then I got really drunk and puked all over these little kids in line
the bartender goes "wow its so good to see you sober" and gives me a hug
MAGGIE IS ON MY COUCH PETTING AN HONEST TO CHRIST ARMADILLO AND SOBBING INTO HOT CHOCHOLATE. WHAT THE FUCK DID YOU DO TO HER.
Kids music just accidentally came on at this party. I didn't know how many stoners were here until they all sang along.
Randomize
