i just heard the ice cream truck outside while mid-masturbation. i stopped and considered running outside to buy one.
my girlfriend just informed me I need to get tested and so do you
girlfriend?
come home now. i got a twizzler tangled in my hair again
I need a good reason NOT to eat this entire jar of nutella right now
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Why the fuck did you text me at 4 in the morning telling me not to have sex with the bird?
It's amazing I mean I blew that senator just for him to deny me marriage.... Politics suck and he swallowed!
She has a tattoo on her inner thigh that's an x with a long dotted line. So after she passed out I signed it. Dunno what else I was supposed to do...
he pushed me in the lake knowing full well I had joints on me. that's drug-abuse!!
You were typing for me while I was hyperventilating into a paper bag on the floor.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I think I'm going to call this chapter of my life story "Weekday day-drinking in the park isn't just for the homeless!"
He said something last night about making crepes, but after getting pissed on in bed, I question everything.
Well, I can't remember Thursday and my left ass cheek hurts like hell, I'm guessing Mike's bachelor party was a success.
Pretty penis doesn't make up for awkward eye contact.
So who has the penis shaped party tray? You or your mom?
Will exercising make me less horny?
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