five shots of tequila, anal and 3 cigarettes. not my best idea on a saturday afternoon.
dude, the summer is killing me. i just woke up cause my balls were stuck to HER leg!
Psycho is an understatement. U were running around the house screaming IM UNDER THE IMPERIOUS CURSE
When you're about to leave, tell him "bye." At that point, he should say something. If he doesn't say anything, well, our drinks were free and he gets a free make out with yours truly.
This is a drunk text message. I am so glad that we are friends. Tomorrow we will eat sandwiches in miniature. We both love dogs. Flower.
I stole a road cone for their 13 yr old son. Apparently I told him to put Christmas lights on it, and "treat her like a lady."
can you call in chlamydia to work? like if the antibiotics they gave you for it are giving you the shits...
stopped you just in time from sledding down the roof.
His penis is literally smaller than my cell phone. I can't go out like that.
You were telling the cab driver that you believe in him and just to follow his dreams
HOW DID YOU GET DEPORTED FROM THE BAHAMAS
i just wrote an ode to an enchilada dorito. i'll need that pregnancy test now please.
Hey, taking organic chemistry means no one is allowed to tell you you're partying too hard.
Can someone explain to me why guys are so fascinated w their dicks that they feel like they'll die if they don't send unsolicited dick pics
Thanks for not letting me get involved with a serial killer. That's true friendship
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