I was actually kinda bummed my STD test came back negative.
That would have been proof he'd slept with the stripper. Lame.
There is a semi-attractive guy at the door who's looking for you. Says he met you on Chatroulette. Start explaining NOW.
im still trying to figure out who put the honey mustard in the blender then put the entire blender into the freezer
Housing came buy and confiscated our shopping cart :(
Yup. We're now banned from TWO of our nation's finest zoos.
My landlord showed my apartment to a prospective tenant today and I had my vibrator and gun both chilling on my nightstand
I like to imagine god has to get plastered to deal with the fact that he made you and me
Trimming my pubes at 1 AM, drunk, listening to Stevie Ray Vaughn. What has become of me.
Jesus christ stop updating me about every aspect of your life.
Hooked up with a girl in the dorm laundry room tonight. And got invited to go to Vegas for free. That's how today's going.
She asked me to dress as captain planet for halloween and told me she was gonna suck the pollution out of my dick.
You know you have hit the best years of your life when you enlist the 5 year old to be ball boy during beer pong and pay him with candy you stole from Walgreens
I lost my pants last night, she told me I walked into their room after leaving 5 minutes before wearing my thong.....and no pants. I have absolutely no idea where I left them.
Let's be honest, I've seen a decent amount of dicks in my life and very few of them have been worth all the trouble.
And when were you going to tell me to stop dancing on his coffee table singing "come on irene?"
Oh my god my purse is too heavy for me to dance with boys cause it has too many stolen sink faucets in it
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