Come with me and I'll find you a girl. What's your type?
Vagina
We have a drunk bartender with her nips a quarter inch from bein out buying us shots. GET HERE.
You just said the magic words
he knocked over the vodka and juice...picks up the cup and says "yes", takes the last sip...doesnt even worry about the mess all over the floor and we continue having sex.
It's Friday afternoon and I'm drunk. This is how I cope.
It was awful. Mid hookup he started reading the titles of the books over my bed, which were about Russian imperial history. He then started asking me questions about the class I was reading the books for. I was like "WE HAVE TIME FOR THAT LATER, PLEASE CONTINUE."
Tonight just try not to threaten to pee on the hot guys buying us drinks....please..
which guy lost his keys in my bed this weekend?
I had another sex dream about you but it was very dissatisfying. As you finished you starting singing the star spangled banner. then you left. I was not amused.
Why is it that when I sustain a serious injury people are more concerned with my level of inebriation than my personal safety?
Well, during the ride home I had to personally apologize to both of her breasts.
It's 9:07 in the morning and I am so hungover right now I'm about to take the kids I'm babysitting to mf'ing Popeyes bc that's all I want in this world
Do u ever find yourself high af, watching American ninja warrior and crying at the athletes stories?
He couldn't undo my bra. He ended up breaking the clasp he clawed at it so long. We met on Tinder for God sake
Not bad. Ran into Carlo. He shared a story about a sailor who got gonorrhea in his eye. It made me feel better about myself.
Should I wish him a happy birthday?
Well he has been inside of you enough times that you probably should.
Randomize
