Well the light went out so I was throwing up by candle light. Strange moment in my life.
We must be getting old. All of our friends are having kids and they aren't illegitimate.
I drunk wandered into my parents bed and slept between them
The bartender just started bringing me gin and tonic in a pint glass to save himself trips...
did i really just refer to you as "the mid season replacement"
i'm satisfied with the level of pretty that his new girlfriend isn't.
You've slept with me you know how lazy I am in bed.
So I'm drinking wine and watching Thumbelina
I'm teaching my cat to play fetch
Yep, it's a friday
I just had my first non-cocaine-induced nosebleed for the first time in 2 years. This calls for a celebration.
I thought turtle was a code word for weed until he pulled out a baby turtle from his pocket and said "$20 for a turtle"
Is it true if I say your name three times, you'll appear and whore everything up?
I IMAGINED YOU YELLING SURPRISE WITH JAZZ HANDS. AND I LOVE YOU FOREVER
I feel like if tampons weren't meant to be microwaved, they'd have a warning on the box, so we should be okay...
he told me that he only likes small dogs. I should have known he was going to end up being little bitch.
So I got cockblocked by our relationship status last night
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