Sometimes I think its so cool that a dick that has been inside kate moss has also been inside me. So exciting.
Funniest shit happened at the grocery store. This kid kept asking his mom for candy over and over and she told him 'daddy said no' and he screamed 'he isn't my dad' so loud everyone in the store was silent it was awesome.
Ive been sitting around naked watching magic on youtube.
She just got in car wreck. Wreck sex is better than break up sex
I woke up and there is a food processor in my purse. Someone else's framed family photo. My front door is wide open and my gerbil is playing in the water bong.
Yeah I'm going to bathe him.
I woke up in my living room, on the floor, wearing nothing but a fur coat?
I hung my underwear from the tree in his front yard. Consider my territory marked.
I'd just like to formally thank you for the size of your dick. The gods must really love you.
your girlfriend showed us your homemade porn last night.
I know he’s a bad decision but he's casual, his penis is amazing and his technique is on point.
We can't go out this weekend. My uterus is so desperate it's given me permanent beer goggles
this is a PSA to never have sex in a bed from ikea
I'm watching Netflix with my cats and eating homemade bread. Everyone and everything can go and fuck itself.
Well, I turned down sex again. This is guy #5 in the past 2 weeks. My vagina is going to seek emancipation.
I am going as Rudolph for the Christmas Eve furry orgie.
Is Santa taking the sleigh of slutty reindeer around the neighborhood again this year.
Yes. Several neighbors have requested it.
Randomize
