Bro, I met the coolest hottest chick tonight and she has the hottest friends.
Where are you?
Strip Club
the "happy anniversary" cake for my mom and dad is about to turn into the "yeah, that's a hickey, welcome back from italy" cake.
I just mistook a monk for someone with the newest colored snuggie.
Don't worry. I just took 2 benadryls and beat off. I'm practically sleep texting
i just uploaded pictures of my nephew, and you & d puking in the same toilet. i think i should keep them in the same album. show my nephew what he has to look forward to.
He kept his baseball cap on when he went down on me...
She just fell in the river. Meet us downstream with the bottle.
I mean Grimace is basically just a big piece of purple shit and he is loved way more than the hamburglar just to put it into perspective
Had a grope session with a girl who looked like my Mom and had the same name as her as well. I think therapy is in order.
Then that means he's outwardly conservative. Inwardly he's a total gay horndog. He's like a spy that can ruin conservative plans.
I want to change all my life goals to that.
This guy on the tube is sooooooo high. Eyes are bloodshot and he's licking his headphone cords.
I'll bring your "congrats on finally banging" cookies tomorrow, I'm exhausted.
You reeked of guilt and shame and we offered you pancakes
WHAT THE FUCK DREAM ME
I'M GONNA PUNCH THAT BITCH THE FUCK DID SHE THINK SHE WAS DOIN
I have to have boobs, you have the charm and wholesomeness that gets boyfriends... And i have boobs
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