u ever jackoff with ur legs spread and pretend ur fuckin urself as a girl and get mad u'll never know what that feels like. Or to fly like a bird?
Did u absorb a fraternal twin in the womb?
were talking about masturbation in my pysc class. He says it's healthy. I'm gonna live forever
you insisted on breathalizing me with a inhaler.
So i banged this chick from Peru last night. Needless to say, I'm having chipotle for lunch todayas a south American reward to honor her.
woke up next to her writing my name in some journal. apparently she makes every guy she hooks up with sign out.
There's half of a squirrel in the bathtub - i figured you'd be the one to go to.
All I need in life is some dick and a big mac.
you cried when she wouldn't let you have her bathroom rug.
Just paid my credit card bill at the bar. This phone makes it so I never have to leave
No memories of receiving this. Or of getting home. Or of apparently developing a taste for marmalade, which I assume is yours because I have literally never eaten it before. It's all over the kitchen. And my phone. And in my hair. Oh god I wish I wasn't on the train to work. X And sorry about the kitchen x
how do you not remember that?! you winked at the bouncer and then proceeded to grind on him while chugging a beer. i don't know if i should be proud or embarrassed to be your friend
Oh it's not a problem. Cleaning up the yard and disposing of 75 gallons of Jello is all I've got to look forward to today.
Etiquette question... How do you tell your mother that her nipple is out in her fb profile picture?
Guy just rode past on a lowrider bike smoking a blunt, I want his life
He answered the door stark naked. When I called him on it he shrugged and said 'casual Friday ' Some boys can't be trusted to work from home.
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