The difference between what I would do for a regular Klondike bar and an Oreo flavored Klondike bar is astounding
Mom just apologized for her lack of a gag reflex not being genetic.
I mean what are real friends for if they won't hold down your wedding dress to allow for a keg stand
I wanted to take a shower but I forgot we made applesauce in it last night.
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Not only was there cake on the wall but someone shoved cake and meat in a cup and put it in the fridge.
There is a mirror in the headboard of the bed that I'm sleeping in so I can immediately question life choices when I wake up.
Yes. Yes. Double yes. I'll bring the tits. You bring the frosting.
No The bastards made me buy a new one, They don't cover water damage an apparently they consider salsa water damage
I feel like a cloud. A cloud that wants to be laid.
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I'm considering offering a class on how to find good porn.
Just sucked some sandy dick on a boardwalk & now I'm at a family reunion hbu
Dropped the bowl in the litter box. But it landed face up. What do I do?
valentines day is a day for loved ones to share. So me and my vibrator. Happy holidays.
Ok, maybe playing "whose family is most dysfunctional" wasn't the best drunk idea we've had. Todd''s been crying in the bathroom for an hour. We can't get him out...
I have to tell him to stop eating me out so I'm not late for work; my life could be a lot worse.