He keeps apologizing for not being able to get hard when he's drunk. We havent even left the club yet.
He told me he was ok to drive home. Then I found him face-planted in the parking lot.
Im sure that doesnt mean its ruined... It was your bithday you get a free "im drunk at 7 am" card
Don't judge me. If you're going to fall off a bed you might as well do it gracefully into a bag full of beer.
23 Millennials Confess The Things They Wish They Weren’t Attracted To
Friends bring friends secret work margaritas. my pink water bottle is in the cupboard
Why are there sofa cushions on the floor? And why isn't there a sofa in this room that doesn't have cushions?
Carry on my wayward bro, there'll be beer when you get low. lay your neon tank to rest, dont you rage no more.
All I'm asking for is flower occasionally, and in return you get to come home to me naked in heels. Is that to much to ask for?
Accidentally gagged on my toothbrush and puked up a Walgreen's cheeseburger. 1) I am not going to be on top of my game tonight. 2) Since when do I have a gag reflex? 3) Walgreen's cheeseburgers are awesome.
23 Gruesome Scientific Facts That Will Make You Squirm
Smoked before work and just remembered i left pringles in my desk last time i was high. SCORE
I fell asleep after the worst sex of my life and now I'm snowed in with him. SEND HELP. CALL FEMA. GET ME OUT OF HERE.
If you're wondering about the mess, we had sex in the kitchen. There was noodles involved.
I'm worried my dog collar isn't going to come in time. I might be trying on dog collars at PetSmart next week. That could get awkward.
"They let me see the x-ray. My nose is broken. I saw it. It was cool. Well, I guess it would be cooler if it wasn't my nose."
Your not drunk until you have to grab on to the grass to keep from falling off the earth.