Why must guys tell girls who are a little bigger that "they like a girl with meat on her bones?" Yeah needless to say he went home alone
I walk in to see her roommate half naked on their stripper pole. I knew I was home.
Just watched a guy fight a garbage can then pee on it, screaming "I told you to listen to me the first time!!" San Francisco, I've missed you.
I vomited in the sink and my bra was in there...I don't even have words to describe this hangover confusion
I am the master of subtle flirting. I seduced him by simulating a hand job with an epi-pen during training.
At the time, making out with dudes for keg money seemed like a genius idea. Now I realize it was borderline prostitution.
whoever put homecoming and halloween on the same weekend owes me a new liver and a get out of jail free card.
I take back all the times I've said life was unfair. I'm about to have two trained bartenders for a girlfriend and roommate
Fell down the metal stairs and some guy tried to fight me after you left. I fell asleep with cadbury eggs in my mouth too.
Please save me from this creative non fiction class. I just wrote a paper about how I spend unhealthy amounts of time with my cat.
I spend unhealthy amounts of time watching RuPaul's Drag Race.
I referred to the cat as amicable.
He sent me a mirror pic of himself and sent it to me and all i could think about was the amazing bong hits i took with his roommate in that bathroom.
Just woke up from a first date on the futon watching Arrested Development by myself, him cuddling another chick in his room. Simultaneously the best and worst one night stand in history.
Bonus: took me 2 hours to get home on the streetcar cause I spent my cab money on drinks for his friend last night.
He's just been a dick since he set his face on fire. I just wanted to eat a fucking hot dog.
he asked me why I let you steal the gnome, and you jumped out of the bathroom, yelled "you know why!" and ran outside with said gnome
You said you're gonna end your night with a six pack and awful erotica
Randomize
