Passing las posas road. In a world of pain. Im trying to piss in a bottle through the hole in my crotch. I wish i had a bigger dick.
i am not listening to taylor swift on a pink ipod. totally not happening.
I just puked in the mop bucket at work. I think I need to go home.
Got some good news and bad news about the hayride this weekend.
The good news is its still on, the bad news is we don't have any hay. The best news, if you drink enough you won't give a fuck that its just a trailer.
Nope. Daytime is texting time. Night time is you send me naked pictures time.
I will give you 100$, a blow job a day for a month and I will shave my legs according to societal standards until next November if you come recuse me from my night class right NOW.
I have been referring to it as "thanks for getting out of me day" all week. Do you think they will still take me to brunch tomorrow?
Note to self. Don't order a $10 bottle of wine on a 40 min flight because it seems like a good deal.
God you're perfect.
I am. So drunk right now. Good work, Frontier.
Oh man I'm using the bubble wrap that wraped my new vibrator to wrap my dads fathers day gift
My cab driver just suggested I brush my teeth because he can smell "the party" on me.
I'm filtering his penis picture so I can see it better
I knew my bag made it because I could smell the fireball that spilled inside of my suitcase before it was on the luggage carousel.
I woke up at 6 and was laying at the top of my stairs.
So this morning when I woke up. I found my refrigerator open and no more food. It was empty, I'm home alone for the week. Where in hell did that food go?
There’s a child, alone, sitting on a picnic table out there, making bird noises
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