What are you doing tonight?
Watching dora the explorer and pining for a sex life.
booty call
i swear to god if you come over i will kick you in the pussy.
y-o-u-r-e = you are, y-o-u-r = your. you are a bag of douche not your bag of douche. if you're going to insult me at least do it in proper english. that is all.
i just made mint juleps with bourbon and fresh breath strips. i am the macgyver of alcohol.
Hooking up with him would mean my type has officially become... drug dealer.
Even though ive seen her get fisted by another girl at a party, shes still a doctor.
I feel like my teeth are caked on with other teeth. What did I just smoke?
I just ate a dove chocolate and the wrapper said "chocolate: always your valentine" WHAT KIND OF JACKASS WRITES THESE AND WHY MUST THEY MOCK ME?
You can't possibly imagine how much I miss you. At least I'll always have that hidden folder in my computer.
No man we're leaving now. The party will probably be busted soon. O and a bitch started throwing knives around the place, like real actual knives.
I'm straight up riding in the back of my truck in a bean bag chair right now. Feet propped up and four loko in hand. Glorious.
It's something I can't competently describe without making sex sounds.
I totally just pulled my thong out of my purse at the grocery store. Oops.
The brides mom put a 6 year old in charge of me to make sure I don’t get too drunk before the wedding
Social anxiety problems: I just had to get up and change stalls mid-poop because someone sat down in the one next to mine.
Randomize
