a girl just told me i should have been born earlier in the alphabet
I think I breastfed the cat at some point during the night, at least that's what my nipples are saying
I just puked while everyone was releasing balloons. Im to hungover for this memoial service. Rest in peace great gramps.
Thank God I didn't lose my virginity to that asshole. That woulda been like winnin a raffle ticket for a free bag of dog shit. But with like a really pretty bag. A pretty bag full of dog shit.
When I say drunk I mean that in the process of filming a fratstar cooking show they threw a keg into the street where the police came to clean it up. now all they can say is "THE KEG GOT ARRESTED."
do you know how hard it is to bring up the "what do I do if you conk out while we're fucking" conversation while maintaining the dignity of.the narcaleptic girl you just met?
Youll thank me when youre dead an dont have a cat eating your face
I'M WORRY THAT MY VAGINA WILL NEVER KNOW THE TOUCH OF A MAN AND YOU ARE MAKING A MIXTAPE
I think girls have an advantage in chugging contests. We know how to just open our throats.
Why would you waste your Ritalin on your children?
Plus idk what to say. Like hello dapper gentleman will you pursue me in a midnight hangout where I can be choked
The tit pic search didn't go as planned, some old guy sent me a pic of his balls and said stop texting his daughter. Better luck tomorrow
Knowing that porn stars want to fall in love is the weirdest thing I've found to be beautiful recently. I'm so lonely.
Desperate times call for desperate measures. But he promised me no small talk so that was nice
I threw a lamp at you?
Yes, yes you did.
Awesome
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