it took everything i had not to yell out "your name means death in german!"
when your english prof writes "this was a real good paper" on your essay, you know you're at the wrong college
How's work?
Spinning.
No, I'm in the bathroom trying to scrub off the 16 tally marks on my wrist so its not so obviously to the world that I puked on a couch last night.
the only thing keeping me going right now is the knowledge that in 2 hours i'll be drunk at the circus.
The other night after we fucked we talked about Lowe's vision insurance. Never fuck a coworker.
guess who's eating a vending machine cheese danish, has no panties on, and is still the classiest bitch at this bus stop?
Ok... I'm a little jealous... Grab her pig tails and ride her like a jet ski. Making motor noises is optional.
On a scale of 1 to "bad descision", where does stealing my racist neighbors dog and giving him my roomates dildo for a chew toy rate?
Although I would ideally cut back on smoking weed, imagine what getting high and looking for our spirit animals would be like
Tell them to carpool to pride, have a 3way, and if one says 'no thanks' just tell em it's not gay if it happened in a 3way!
My mom legitimately hired a private eye on me. DO YOU KNOW HOW EXCITING MY LIFE JUST GOT???
he apologises profusely for spelling mistakes in his texts but doesn't care about cheating on me. priorities
Hey, thanks for not calling the cops when I answered the door naked, high as fuck, and covered in red velvet cake batter.
Once again, marijuana saves me from going to jail
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