You had a beer at 10:30 this morning?
Ya, I didn't have any Tylenol.
Do you ever think God made girls unattractive around their periods as a warning?
I just caught my mom fingering herself in the bathroom...Im moving out.
After you took the handle off the bathroom door I had to coach the Scottish guy sitting on the toilet, throwing up in his own lap, how to put his pants back on. Yes, I think he won the drinking game.
We're gonna have the chick that teaches kindergarteners to fold origami roll the joints.
He picked me up went to throw me on his bed. I landed on the wood frame. That's how I broke my rib. We still fucked. Thanks tequila. Best injury ever
i now officially have to be stoned in order to look like my passport when i go to a different country
Now we're discussing the sex we had and the later lack thereof. It's like marriage counseling via snapchat.
I'm actually kinda upset that we didn't consider velcro-ing detachable capes to our clothes before this moment.
I think I'm in the negatives for the quantity of fucks given today.
His dick is magical but I don't want to die in this blizzard do you see my dilemma
Dude, do you think he'd be pissed if he found out that I always reference him as my starter husband?
I woke up naked with a Jason mask on and a fat lip. What happened last night?
The fact that I’m not married yet means there are millions of lucky girls out there who have dodged a bullet
His idea of hot sex is sticking his finger in my dark star while doing me Missionary style. You can tell he's from the Bible Belt.
Does he smell like BBQ?
Inside and out.
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