if i can run in heels then i can drive
Would you feel weird if I asked out ___?
You dont call on our son's bday but you want to know if I'll give you permission to date my best friend?
So...no?`
I like complaining with weaving words and complex sentences. It makes me seem more sophisticated and less bitchy.
I think I have a pornographic memory.
Don't you mean photographic?
No.
I just followed a trail of feathers and glitter to class. Today better be fucking magical.
how in the hell can u get pulled over when ur car is parked.
life is sad when you just turned 21 and youre doing late night rogaine runs...
he drove an hour to get eggs with me not even a blow job, just eggs.
On the bright side I got 500 American Express points paying for the abortion
well in DOG beers, i've only had one
Was the first guy that bit your neck last night wearing a trenchcoat...I have a vague memory.
FUCK the WHO, FUCK cancer, I'm gonna eat fucking bacon.
Damn Instagram explore page. I am six months in to some girl I don't even know.
After I asked for my 6th Gin & Tonic, the look on the flight attendant's face started to make me feel bad about myself.
Why did two squirrels just run out from behind the couch?
About that.
Randomize
