Just threw up at the table during our Father's Day dinner. And I managed to get quite a bit on dad, so that was nice.
I woke up with spaghetti in my mouth
So basically i got outta bed and started peeing on the a/c unit..when my roommate tried to stop me i looked at him and said "i got this"
It's 6 am and I've spent the last few hours searching for a cork screw or suitable substitute. You had none. Incidentally, I finally opened this bottle of wine, but owe you a new meat sticky thing with those two prongs. Sobriety is not good for me. Or your utensils.
I mentioned your name at this party and some girl started crying.
Welcome to a new world. May the gods of weed smile upon you as you embark on exploring this new dimension.
The more I piece together last night the more I want to vomit it out of my brain.
I'm in my onesie attempting to spoon-feed myself cold soup. I'm playing freeze tag with my hangover. My hangover's winning.
HahahahahaHAHAHAHAHAHAHA MY LIFE IS A CAUTIONARY TALE
dont know if she was trying to start a lawnmower or jerk me off. still wasnt to bad though
We broke my graduation cords last night when we used them to tie each other up during sex last night
5 seconds ago I had no idea that a fart could travel so fastly thru the tanning bed. I taste it in the back of my neck.
Dude. That's like masturbating until the point that you're going to climax, then stopping, waiting for a few seconds and then starting all over. While that does lead to an altogether more powerful orgasm, it's still annoying as hell until you get there.
I was not expecting that analogy.
No one ever expects that analogy.
Whoever thought of breakup sex is my new best friend
According to my bank account I spent a penny some where
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