dude, mark had the least successful cab ride in history last night. took a cab to the bars, stopped at every atm in the city, none worked, then had to come back to the party to beg for 20 to pay the taxi that officially took him nowhere.
I should show up to the gym drunk more often. I felt like i really motivated all the fat people.
Dude it started out with let's find some food and ended up with me getting a needle in the face
The only thing that was weird was that it WASN'T weird when she got out of the shower and saw me blowing him.
I met a bunch of Germans and said in german "this is for the fatherland" and poured a beer on my head
I just feel like everything is too perfect
He's probably a serial killer or chronic masturbator
Or both. Which is common
let me drop the bass on your empty vagina syndrome
He started humming whilst eating me out. At first it was weird, but my new motto is now don't knock it before you've cum from it
You're asking your pregnant booty call to go to a funeral with you?
I immediately retract my statement involving hylecopters being allowed to blow up sharks out of the water.... The idea if it is super incredible but ultimately it would be cruel and unessesary
I said no to friends with benefits because it was too much commitment
Welp just ran into my high school history teacher while buying a pregnancy test...there goes my veil of innocence in this town.
I had a rough night. I'm just gonna lay here and masturbate for a while before I have to go adult.
Can you please come in my room and pour water in my mouth? Too hungover to move. btw who is this guy in my bed? Can't see his face. Cute?
I told her I wanted to go swimming and she responded with jello shots, taking off her clothes, and jumping into the pool...I think I'm in love
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