and before you know it i was laying next to him at 2 in the morning with penis and sadness on my breath.
it is 7:54 and i am surrounded by drunk old people. drunk enough that my grandmother and her friend just compared boobs. as in, shirts off, bras coming down. save me.
I hope my liver is having as much fun as I am
Hold on, I gotta pump breast milk for the white russians.
You just kept shouting "I AM AN ADULT!" until he agreed to carry you home on his shoulders.
Just got convinced to trip sit for a pack of cigarettes and a burrito. Let the games begin
He is currently tell his hat to go free. Like he has it sitting on the table just waiting for it to take off. When he's not looking I'm gonna throw it off the balcony and tell him it's flying
after all you did bang a few mechanics. you must have got some second hand skills by now for building us a go kart.
Dude. Steinbecking. It's when you double-fist coffee and alcohol to help you meet a writing deadline.
Lesbians had sex in my bed last night. It's a thing of pride
He'll only communicate through snapchat with pictures of him holding his cat or his dick. Bit of Russian roulette opening them in public but I did it anyway.
You told her you double majored in Geology and Telekinesis. When has that line ever worked for you?
I invited him to my hotel room via snapchat. I'm one hell of a classy bitch
It's the kind of dick you travel across the country for
decided to jump from one of the levels of the Westin chicago Nortghwest. it was worth the broken legs.
I had perfectly good intentions but my penis had other ideas and now I need a place to crash what do you say
Randomize
